I have talked to several pastor’s wives about struggles they face. Those struggles vary depending on the size of the church, amount of church staff, the location, and the people. But, after reaching out to other pastor’s wives, I see some commonality among the trials we face.
The Burdens of Our Husbands
Our husbands take their role as pastor seriously. They pray, study the Word diligently to teach, and love their flock they shepherd. We know they have prayed and asked for discernment from God, and they have sought counsel from deacons or other pastor friends. So, when we see church members complain about trivial things, or complain about the direction the church is taking, or members decide to leave the church, we know our husbands carry those burdens. We have seen them cry over the hurt someone has caused them, and it is hard to watch them suffer. We wish we could take on the burdens ourselves and shield them from pain and hurt.
How do we respond:
Love your husbands. Pray for him. Let him know you support him. Be ready and willing to listen when he talks. If he doesn’t want to talk, be there for him.
Ephesians 5:22 (ESV) Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
Our Role
God made each of us with certain gifts and talents, but sometimes people want us to fit in a certain mold of their expectations. I know some pastor’s wives who stay home, some who work, some who are creative or musical, some who are outgoing, and some who are reserved. I could keep going on about so many qualities. But, each of us are different, just like our husbands. We need to use our giftedness and seek to serve where we will be used effectively. And that does not mean we should be a part of every committee or every children’s event. God gave each of us an uniqueness to serve in the Church and as a pastor’s wife. We are also a member of the church, not just “the pastor’s wife.” Sometimes, I think people forget we have a role as a church member. And that role is not for people to come to us to complain about the church. We have a ministry and place to serve in the church. It is definitely hard to balance our roles between member and wife, especially when people are complaining about our husband either to us or a deacon. Sometimes it is hard to keep ourselves from becoming angry. We hear the complaints toward our husband and see the passive aggressive actions toward him. We have to put our feelings aside and ask God to help us forgive and continue to love the church member. Sometimes, we even have to deal with complaints about us. Our husbands have enough to deal with without having to worry about complaints about their wives.
How do we respond:
God has a calling for you in the church. Spend time in prayer to lead you in the right direction where he would have you serve in the church. Other people’s expectations play no part in this, only God’s guidance. But don’t let this be a way to get out of something either. I am very reserved at times, but this does not mean I should neglect my duty to talk to others and welcome them and get to know them, so I can understand how we can minister to them. God will show you areas of strength where you can serve, but He will also show your weaknesses to allow Him to grow you through His strength.
1 Corinthians 12:4-6 Now there are a variety of gifts, but the same Spirit; and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord; and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who empowers them all in everyone.
1 Corinthians 12:18 But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose.
Loneliness
How do I fit in? Who can I talk to? Is it ok to have friends? Why did they not include me? These are questions we ask ourselves. It is a constant struggle to see where you fit. We also wonder, at times, if we should get close to certain people in the church. We want to be part of the church and part of a circle of friends, but we don’t want to show partiality. So, we sometimes hold ourselves back, and then we are left out of certain things. We also have to be very careful in what we say to our friends who are also church members. Most of us do have friends in church, and we are able to find some we can confide in sometimes, especially deacon’s wives. But, there are still things that I never tell to church members. It is a struggle to discern and know what to do. So, it is sometimes a lonely path.
How do we respond:
Trust God. He will give you discernment to know when it is right to talk to others and what relationships to develop. Find other pastor’s wives for support.
Psalms 56:11 In God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me?
Philippians 1:9-11 And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.
Having time for family
Our family is important, and we have to fight for our time. There are times when our husbands have to go on mission trips, leave in the middle of the night due to an accident, or have meetings over an issue that has come up. We worry about if our vacation will be cut short because he is needed for a church event or a funeral. We have to make time as a family a priority and not let the struggles affect our children.
How do we respond:
We need to work with our husbands on this and be proactive. You both have your roles, and one of those are being parents and being a wife and husband to each other. You may have to let the church or leadership know some of the guidelines you have decided as a family. It is ok to take time away from the church to be with your family.
Deuteronomy 6:4-9 Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall by on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
Mark 2:27-28 And he said to them, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath. So the Son of Man is lord even of the Sabbath. (take time to rest)
I hope I have been able to provide some encouragement for you as a pastor’s wife. If you need further support or just need to talk, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I would be glad to pray for you and to listen.
Tonya Wilbanks
tonyawilbanks@gmail.com
Tonya Wilbanks 